I always wonder what college feels like when that is the only life you need to live at the moment—no eight-to-ten-hour work shift at night and just pure assignments, deadlines, and school drama.
I bet I will still have some nights crying over projects I need to finish, spend sleepovers with friends I’ve chosen as groupmates, fight with them over every misunderstanding, reconcile after classes, and do something fun together.
I will create a dump account on Instagram to post epic photos from all events my mother doesn’t know about, a rant account on X and Facebook to spill some college tea and my friends I can gossip about, and all other things that I can freely do because I have time to decompress and keep relationships.
Unfortunately, when everyone else is either sleeping or writing their papers at night, I clock in for work until the next morning. I will be lucky to catch two to three hours of sleep before heading to class or completing my assignments.
Of course, it is hard. Whenever people find out that I’m a working student, whether it’s someone from school, work, or an acquaintance, they ask, “How can you balance or do both?”
I would always say, “I’m barely surviving.” Because honestly, it’s tough. In most cases, I feel like I’m losing myself, but I want to finish college as soon as possible. While I’m trying to survive in college, unfortunately, I can’t afford not to work.
There are days when everything becomes overwhelming. You have onsite classes, deadlines for the week, and back-to-back work shifts. As much as I would love to live my college life like how full-time students do, my depleted soul would have to choose an extra hour of nap time.
For almost two years, I stopped attending school. While that was a decision necessary for my survival—financially and mentally—at that time, there were no days that I did not cry about it because the younger me would not allow it to happen. Before the end of my senior high school year, I dedicated a considerable amount of time to reviewing for college entrance exams and acing my final projects, including research, to prove to myself that I was ready for college.
College was something I had been looking forward to ever since I was young. It will shape my future, so I need it to be as smooth as possible. I have a perfectly crafted plan on how to make the most of college life. I was even grateful to be able to pursue journalism, which was my dream course. Little did I know that my energetic spirit would be gone just a year later.
The pandemic came, and my mom lost her job. As the eldest, I need to take the lead. My relationship with her was not the healthiest, but I don’t want us just staring at each other in hunger. When I started working, reality hit me with bills and an endless stream of responsibilities. I feel like I lost my vigor in writing and pursuing my dream. My world became so big and my dreams so small.
My mother did not want me to stop. Like everyone else, she wanted me to attend school while working and excel in both fields. For a moment, it was dreadfully tiring. She even said that my success is also hers, which is kind of sweet for people to hear but selfish on my part because she’s not the most supportive parent, either emotionally or physically. She would punch you with these unreachable demands and invalidate you when you cry or say you’re tired.
It took me almost two years of silent breakdowns and exhausting life dilemmas before I decided to pursue college again. Even then, when I came back, people could say unkind words. A professor asked why I stopped for a while. When I told him I needed to work for my family, he said, “You just don’t like going to school. Stop messing around. It’s hard to have stubborn students like you.”
Realistically, if you’re a working student, your struggle is not just how to manage your time between work and school but also how you will navigate life with people not understanding where you’re coming from. Many people will not get it. They wouldn’t understand that sometimes, you don’t have a choice. Sometimes, you accept a responsibility that is not supposed to be yours. And, no matter how hard it would be, you will have to live with it.
However, one thing to remember is that life is not always that bad and difficult. You need to do your best, see that there is hope in everything, and make an effort to show up when you can. Just show up — even with people invalidating your struggles, not considering you, or being rude to you. Time will tell, and it will be all worth it.
I would love to have slow mornings, no deadlines, and no need to rush. My ideal day would be spent drinking a good cup of coffee, not because I didn’t get any sleep, but because it’s sweet. Someday, it will happen. And the younger me would thank me for getting that diploma she had dreamt of all her life, no matter how bumpy the road was.